I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
