i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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