party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
