So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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