***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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