I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
