Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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