im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
