I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Randomize
