I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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