Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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