I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
