Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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