I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
