I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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