it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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