I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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