The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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