Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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