Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
