Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
