I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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