Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
