I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
