and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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