If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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