I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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