OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
