woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
