Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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