I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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