I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
