so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
