What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
