I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize