I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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