Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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