Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
