just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
