i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just google imaged poop.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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