My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
