I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
