Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
