so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
