I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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