he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
