My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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