I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
