Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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