evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
