Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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