Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
