i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
