If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
