ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
