The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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