Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
