I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
