i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
