I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
