New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize