Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
