Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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